i think i need to make myself clear once and for all

to jialiang:
for once, what i said in the previous post" since pop sleep, we can all go to sleep."
i have already finished my work last night before i slept, before i know u had slept
i was waiting online for u because we had earlier on agree that after u finish ur report, u tell me and send it to me so i can double check and then send it back to u along with my already finished tables and acknowledgements
and then u send it to mr seow
it was already planned like this
u said ok when i told u this
so i waited for u cos i thought u went offline
to send me the report
and then until vann called u and realised that u were sleeping
so i told vann to go and sleep too
cos we had ALREADY FINISHED WHAT WE ARE SUPPOSED TO DO
it didnt cross my mind that u forgotten to send me back the report or to send u the acknowledgements through email

"alright, how irresponsible can that get?is it just another stupid excuse to push off work"
i was not irresponsible
whats wrong with saying since pop sleep, we can all go to sleep
i am just saying that since u slept and didnt send me back the report, i can go sleep cos i have already finished my work but was waiting for u to send me the report before that.

"falling asleep in front of the commy eyes are dry and i am nodding off"
i said that because first, i was really nodding off while WAITING FOR you to send the report cos i had already finished my work and i thought u would come online.
as for my eyes were dry, its because i have been wearing contacts the whoel day and my eyes are sensitive
tell me whats wrong with saying that
cant i said i am tired
cant i say my eyes are dry
cant i say that i am falling asleep
and THAT IS AFTER I HAVE ALREADY FINISHED MY WORK THAT I AM SUPPOSED TO DO


"but if more efforts were put in in the first place, this wouldnt even happen.not that i want to highlight it, but for weeks, i think its only me on the battlefield, although some contributions were made in the form of counting.looking for tchr, reading reports."

i am also doing it u think counting is just some contributions
please rmb that counting isnt easy when it means coutnign over thousands and sorting the insects
so u think its easy to count
try counting 1000 over diptera
that is smaller than a piece of dirt
and u have to really stick ur head close to the petri dish to see it
and i smelt all the ethanol right into my nostrils
and i gt cross eyed i gt this awful dizziness and headache and i still have to pretend i am fine
sure i didnt type report
i didnt read the reports
i admit
but if u would recall, i did ask u do u need help for the report
and u said u did it le
i ask u to send me the tables the data so i could help
and u couldnt send me cos ur internet explorer was down
i did ask
i did try to help
and i admit, i am really useless when it comes to typing report
i dont know how

"YOU kept pushing work aside, and now putting the blame on me, cos I, rested early."

when i pushed my work aside?
i did what i said i am going to do
i got my butt down to counting insects
i did the tables
i did the acknowledgement
it wasnt a lot
but i did something and i never push work aside
u asked me to do tables on wed
when i was busy with history and fretting over my history?
did it ever occur to you that vanessa was in the project
and u could ask her to do the tables cos she had finished her block tests
no u didnt, or maybe u think i dont need to study afterall i was going to fail anyway

the project consists of 3 people
and u put all the blame on me

i did not put the blame on u
i wasnt angry cos u slept early
i wasnt putting the blame on u cos u slept early
i wasnt even scolding or getting angry
in my previous post, i was doing the joking part
i was just saying
is not even putting the blame on u
i understand that u are tired
i understand u needed sleep
if u could realise i didnt wake u up or anything by calling non stop
as soon as i know u slept, i didnt do anything
i just told vann to sleep
cos there is nothing more to do
cos i said again, WE HAD ALREADY FINISHED WHAT WE ARE SUPPOSED TO DO.



"since YOU slp even before completing work,"
i had already finished my work last night before i slept
i was waiting and waiting for u to send me the report
u could ask vann about it
i did my job before i slept
i can swear upon it

thats nothing wrong with resting early
in fact it should be the case

i thought u are going to send me the report
cos u are the one who said so
we had agreed for u to send me report so i can check then send it back to u with my acknowledgements
go check ur msg inbox
i did send to u last night
and check ur outbox, u did said ok
and last night on msn, u said ok too
hence, i was waiting for u to send me to 2am before i knew that u went to sleep
and at that time, i had finished what i am supposed to do
but at the point of time, it never cross my mind that i was supposed to send u the acknowledgements through email
so i didnt
cos if u go and check ur inbox again, i said that i will send u my acknowledgements when u send me the report for me to check

once again, i had already finished my work before i slept
before i even knew u were sleeping
so ur assumptions of me were way wrong
i had slept after finishing my work

i maybe lazy but i am not irresponsible
no i dont think i am
and in case u wan to say i never do anything
please rmb that on thurs day, i stayed up with u to midnight to do the tables,
and that tables were not correct
please rmb rmb that i did things
i sort insects, i count, i do the tables, i did the acknowledgements
i stayed up to late to do the tables on thurs
while u do the report

last night i did the tables and acknowledgements and wait for u to send me the report
and then slept after i knew u slept

sure i might not done as much as u did
and that, i am thoroughly grateful and appreciate ur always willing to do the report
and i felt guilty at times
and i know that u did more than me
i know u did
and believe me, i appreciate it
but by saying that i did not do anything but by saying that i am irresponsible cos i push my work
aside, u lost all my appreciation and respect for u

let me remind u again that the project is done by 3 of us
and u effortlessly put the blame on me only
and i think its partly becos i am not one to get really bothered by this kind of things
because i wont get angry
because i wont get too pissed
and u know what, i do have my tolerance limit
i do have my own anger
i do have my own temper
i do know how to get angry
i do know how to be nasty

i dont think i am irresponsible
cos i did work
i did the dirty work
like counting
though not a lot
but irresponsible means not doing anything
it means not even bother to care
it means not even wanting to do anything
but i wasnt
i was enthusiastic at sorting insects
i dont mind doing the tables
i dont mind counting
i dont mind doing the acknowledgements
i did not complain when while we were counting that time, u were playing gameon the laptop


i think in a project, there is no fair share of work
there is nothing like everyone will do exactly one third of work
there is nothing like everyone must have equal share of work
from my experiencein pw last year, no it was not suposed to be like what i mentioned above
i could see kris doing all the report herself and never did complain
and hence, my respect and appreciation for her
so in a group, in a team doing a project, if there is a need to divide up the work fair and share
then it is doomed to fail
gurantee plus chop
cos being in a team, it meant that there is no qualms about doing extra work
afterall it is a team
it isnt a individual thing.

being friends also meant that u will never have to argue about this kind of things,
cos in friends, there are a no need to really define these things
afterall what are friends for?

i think i am really hurt
really
and i am not afraid to admit that when i read ur post, i cried like shit
cos it hurts
it freaking hurts
after the one year friendship
afterall the stupid things and jokes we shared
all the gossiping
it hurts
my heart kinda stopped
and shattered
cos as a friend, i didnt expect the hurt to come from u
i didnt expect the impact to come from u too
so yes, it hurts
thanks loads for making me see things clearly
thanks loads for making me realise that things are always not what i expect
thanks loads for making me cry
thanks loads for making me know that things are never that easy
thanks load again for making me appreciate my friends better
people like claud nat kris vann beryl ritty
from xinyi..

thanks claud for always being there for me giving me the reassurance i need
vann, i love ya loads:)

i need time to recover
i need time to heal my hurt
i need time to wash away my anger my hurt
and i know that it takes time to forget also.