about ● chat ● links ● archives

this is just oh so great
somehow ur blog url change, and u didnt even fucking take the intiative to tell us
oh god oh my freaking god
it brings everything that i have holding on seems so ridiculously stupid
ridiculously naive
ridiculously foolish

what beryl says perhaps is true
when u dont confront people,
they wont know what is wrong

and the reason why i dont fucking just do that is because i actually care about ur feelings
i actually couldnt really tell u all that i am feeling cos i am scared to hurt ur feelings
cos i am scared of spoiling the friendship between us
the wonderful close friendship we once had
and its pretty obvious that we dont have it anymore

maybe i am the one who is to blame
maybe if i had told u earlier how i really feel
how much hurt u have been giving me
we wouldnt have to become like this
maybe u are right all along
that time last year around this month, u told me that u dont feel confident in our friendship going strong when we are in separate in jcs
that really brought me down
and i thought you are just being pessimistic
looking back at it, i realised perhaps u actually foreseen this coming
that our friendship will cooled
that we are no longer like before
maybe its my own fault for not trusting your instinct that time
maybe its my own fault for putting too much faith in our friendship
maybe ultimately its my own fault for all that had happened

but u dont seem to give a damn about it
u always never do
u can complain non stop about how we "forget" about u
and happily do that same thing back to us
" fair weather friend"
somehow it seems to fit the circumstances
i can seriously spell out ur WHOLE BIG NAME here
and u wouldnt even know
cos as i said, u never fucking care about what i am going through
u would never fucking read
and i know it
i know you dont care about my life
u dont care whether i am dying or not
so why, may i ask myself, am i caring so much about this obvious fact that hurts me like crap
i am not a saint or angel
i am not perfect
but i do am certain that in terms of our friendship, i do more than u do
i give in more than you do
i put in more than you do
i care more than you do

i may not be the perfect friend, but i dare to say that i have been a better friend than you
in terms of our friendship

beryl told me to let go
it seems like people whom i have talked to told me to let go
quoting what jh says" it isnt a relationship"
but somehow it hurts more than having to let go of a relationship
i am not saying that letting go of a relationship dont hurt
it hurts and make me feel like a failure,a real failure
and yes, i do appear to be non chalant happy and casual about it
infront of vann and anyone
but trust me, when i said that it hurts so much but only because i hidden that hurt in my heart for when i am alone, it does come out all at once

i dont like to show or tell anyone that i am sad
i dont like to vent out my frustations
somehow i felt selfish when i tell someone or when i let it show
"why am i putting my problems and my frustations on someone else?"
"why am i adding on to their burden?"
i feeel selfish when i show when i tell
i like to hide it itside
i like to pretend that everything is fine
i like to pretend that i am happy

i try to keep every sad feelings for when i am alone

i dont get it
why does it always to turn out this way
i think its super IRONIC
and for once, i dont know how to reassure myself
why i am caring about these, when u can dont give a damn
i have feelings and i am a human too

for everything that i have done to hurt anyone
i am sorry:(

22 days to go:)
13 days to go:)
one more day to go: block test:(