claud
u have been there for me beforre, its just that u never realised
u dried up my tears a dozen times with the smses u sent to me when i was really down and feeling very alone.
so dont worry, being there for friends isnt something to be taught.
u will know what to do:D
love ya claud:D
i give u my hand my shoulder my tissues and my heart:D

u know
all the things that u said
maybe was partially true
i may have been neglected u a lot due to friends
i admit that sounds so true
and to some extent, it made me feel damn guilty.
but u know, friends had been saying that i had ben spending time with u a lot
and u have been saying the same things that i spent too much time with friends
what in the world do u people want me to do.
split myself into half
or disappear in this world
i am lost for ideas
is like i dont know how to cater to all of u people
i should just be a loner
i am super sick of accusations coming from everywhere
looking down on you
not being enthusiastic enough to go out
looking so reluctant to go out and spoiling the whole mood
i just need days to be alone
days to stay at home
whats wrong with that
if you dont need time alone, i seriously think u should go see a doctor
cos u seriously have some mental problems
or u dont think at all
it doesnt mean that i dont miss you or i dont like you or i feel left out or anything
i just want to bloody stay at home
i dont want to go out or meet anyone except my family
just feeling very emotional.
and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.
stop accusing me of anything
i am totally sick of that
if u ask me out, and i dont want to, it either means that i have plans because i dont sit there and wait for you to ask me out i have a life i have my own friends or relatives or it just freakingly means that i really want to stay at home cos i hate to be with people when i am not in a great mood since i really dont want to dampen anyone's moods afterall it isnt fair for them.
stop thinking that i am a loner or dont even think bout u anymore

i dont know how to say i dont want to cos i want to stay at home cos well people would think that i lie
and i dont know how to convince them i am not they just assume that i am going out with other people and hence they themselves would asume that they arent impt in my life which is so not true.
cos it isnt that
i love to be with people i love, but i need some time off to be with myself
i need to start to know myself
cos i think i lose it a while back
it doesnt mean that by loving the people in my life, i cant be with myself
if thats the case, i rather be a loner cos i would probably end up in asylum if i dont have time for myself.

i am not smart or clever or intelligent
to me these are those who went to all those rjc and hcjc
i am just a pretty average person
who work hard to gain what i want.
therefore it doesnt mean that anything i do or say is looking down on you
what rights do i have to look down on you
why would i look down on people whom i love and care for
do you honestly think i deleberately did that to stop what?
i dont even know there is a motive behind it
u made me sound so much like a murderer.
and a bad person
with ulterior motives
who dont give a damn bout people's feelings
who is insensitive
who is cruel
who is happy when people are at their lowest
or maybe i am
maybe i just didnt realise i am
maybe i have been perceiving myself to be a good person
when i am not in reality
and you know what, that sucks.
i rather die then.

i need time to think time to gather my thoughts time to realise what in the world is going on.
i dont dare to pull out cos i am scared of being hurt
i have put too much feelings into it and pulling them out would pain a lot.
therefore, i certify myself to be lost for ways to make it better.

sometimes it is not that i dont want go to any class outting, i am scared and it hurts freaking much of being ostracised and outcast. others, i just have my own plans and i cant possibly break a promise to someone to make the people i loved happy ,it isnt fair on that someone then. i dont want to do that.
:((
i guess i have been a bad person who is unreasonable, insensitive, look down on people, cruel.