02. create & inspire.

● ● ●

Friday, August 20, 2010

@ 12:00:00 PM

I was so busy busy busy in the morning yesterday.
was thinking of how to finish up all.

then in the end i got nothing to do after lunch.
lol
totally bored.
was reading past past emails.

lol. damn funny.
i am so evil.

thanks to all the lovely people who replied my msg for my birthday (:
appreciate the quick reply.

i helped vann upload so many photos. HAHA.
stupid pop.
say I am irritating when i uploaded the photos.

My voice is damn sexxxy right now.

Cough and flu. Damn nice combi.

I learned not to have high expectations.
When you dont have, you wont feel sad when it didnt reach what u want.
Lol.

Sometimes i forget how everybody is different.
I forget what i think should be the way does not mean others think the same too.
Selfish? I want others to think the same too.
Wont the world be much beautiful then? Haha

The she/he, him/her, you in this post refers to nobody in particular. You can pretend its whoever you want hahaha.

Like how the priority issue comes into mind.
You treat her as someone who holds a high priority in life.
You will be willing to give up or sacrifice somethings for her.
You happily thought she will also treat you as a high priority.
Cos afterall you two are close buddies/ friends.
Then you realise at the most impt time, that she doesnt.
To her, you are just not high enough to make her sacrifice things that you may thought is a lower priority to her, but actually isnt.
And the hurt and pain comes in.
And then lament bout why she does that.

However, she never once promise you that you will be a high priority.
Even if she did, it doesnt always hold true cos its not a black and white thing.
You have yourself to blame for putting so much faith and watch them all destroyed cos you are too stupid to realise not everybody thinks like you.

Hence, when you do something for someone
Never expect someone will do it back for you. Unless its sth bad lol.
Cos not everybody thinks its necessary to do such a thing for someone.

Just like how you thought cos you enjoyed her company and friendship,
She will also enjoy your company and friendship right?

But then again, you dont realise it isnt true until it's too late then you are the one feeling hurt
But then you have who to blame?

is thinking everybody will be nice people too naive?
Treating everybody nice because in your mind, they are all nice people and deserve to be treated nicely, is this too stupid?

I never goes ard doubting anybody's motives before.
And it always backfires cos when i realise the actual intention, it is too late.
And i am confused? Is it me to be blamed for not doubting them? Or them, for using me? Suddenly, the ones who used me are blameless. And i am to be blamed for being so ridiculous. Who in the world wont protect themselves first, you might say.
I jus want to say i am not that stupid to not know i have to protect myself.
I may be dumb, but i am a human too survival instincts.
But i dont go into a situation or place or anywhere with the urge to protect myself or cover my back. Why would i when i dont sense the danger? Just like i dont go and doubt that someone is using me or backstabbing me right? wouldn't it be damn tiring to be that way all the time?

but you can say that in the end, I am the one who suffers right?

but you know what, i rather suffers than to doubt everyone that comes into my life.
to give them the benefit of doubt makes life more beautiful.
and inter-relationships between people more meaningful.

you might not agree with me, but then again, i dont need you to agree with me.
because i highly doubt i would change.
if i changed, then i wont be the dumb xinyi that everybody knows right?
that would be more scary.

the reason why i blogged all this is for fun.
HAHAHA.
or the things i understand, i learnt, i chose not to learn.
i chose not to learn not cos I am too stubborn, or too proud, or too stupid to learn.
i chose not to cos I dont want to turn myself into someone I dont want to be in the first place, into someone i dislike in the first place, into someone i despise in the first place.
(this someone again refers to nobody in particular, more like refers to the characters in shows HAHA)
i chose not to because i rather not hurt anyone i love, cares and dear to my heart.
you may not treat me as your high priority or hold me dear, but i do.
i do, with genuine sincerity.
and hope that you do too (:

even if at the end of everything, i realise it does not work out in my way, and i admit i will feel hurt, upset, disappointed and everything, then so be it. i will just cry and sulk all the way. LOL. but i dont think i will regret anything, i DONT THINK SO LAH. HAHAHA.
or maybe i will.
after all , its human nature.

but i rather be who i am, then trying to be who i am not.
because life is too short for this all tiring things.
why bother hide when there isn't anything to hide.
why bother cover up when at the end of the day, it 's you who suffers.

unless you prove me wrong, or whoever proves me wrong, maybe i will change my opinion.
or actually not, cos i am kind of stubborn also.

despite the many times i complained or grumbled or cried over it.

you know when people say hey she/he is not perfect, you shouldnt blame him/her.
and i understand, cos nobody is anyway.
it's scary if someone is perfect perfect, you know.
but that " i am not perfect" should never be used to be an excuse, isnt it?
like i understand that in some areas, i am not perfect, still not perfect, but cos i know, i try to change that part, or i try to make sure i dont cause any hurt because of that imperfect.
but i am still not perfect, its just that i try to keep that to the minimum.
i dont blame anyone for not perfect, i just wonder whether that can be used as an excuse.
used as an excuse all the times.
its like a free ticket to get out of everything.
nobody is perfect, but that itself cannot be used as an excuse.
i am not perfect, so it's all right if i do illegal stuff, so i dont need to suffer the consequences?
it doesnt sound right, does it?

i blogged so much, for whatever reason i also dont know.
lol.
its just i have been thinking way too much these days.
esp after i worked.

i actually love the fact that i am dumb.
(:

about

you think you know me.

XINYI (:
xnn, with a small amount of weirdness,
a big amount of clumsiness, always so blur,
a great loving for sleep, a major loving for shopping, chocolate, fishballs and strawberries
the always blind as a bat, deaf as idontknowwhat,
speak without thinking, do without thinking,
forever dumb and short, never uses her claws
but then again, it still makes her happy. (:

create &inspire.