worked today
and hello
i am not in DBS anymore:(
in OCBC
why am i working there then?
oh well,
you cant always have what you want, sadly.


emo-ing rant ahead:
i. seriously. dont. know. what. to. feel.
what?
hurt?
sad?
disappointed?
maybe i shouold be disappointed with MYSELF.
for again and again telling myself that hey you should help, hey you shouldnt say this cos it really will hurt no matter how much truth it has,
for telling myself, its okay, he dontmean to hurt.
hey its fine, people make mistakes.
or telling myself i am being such petty to get angry or get upset over it.

i dontknow just how many times i must say it to myself.
and dont know how many times must i keep all the hurt and tears inside.
then t put on the happy front
saying its okay, i am not sad about it.
no, its okay, nvm de.

guess hw many times i have said it.
i lost count long ago.


when i helped,
i was the bad one.
when i dont help,
i was the bad one too.


it came back to the point of
i am nt human huh?
everything i do must be inch perfect?
i must nt make mistakes or even have a single error?
i cant be selfish and decided that hey i want to make a decision based on what i want ?


it feels wronged
damn freaking fucking wronged.
i could have said one whole ton of harsh words
one whole ton of truth
one whole ton of words that would hurt. hurt real bad.
i didnt.
i covered it up
i hid it.
i pretend it didnt exist.
i tried hard to prevent it from even showing.
i tried my best to mediate.
i tried everything i can do
i didnt want to see a friend hurt
or sad.

no matter how i knew i should have dished out the truths to prevent things from sliding too deep
i didnt.
how could i?
i took care and concern to make everything less hurtful
less painful.
i didnt even uttered a single word of harsh.
AT ALL.
all the while mine was truth with tact
or not truth but wasnt fibs either
and it didnt hurt.

i didnt expect anything
didnt want anything.
it wasnt like neeeding some appreciative gift or sth.

but to say such a thing, an insensitive remark,
it punches real damn hard.
damn freaking hard.

i am left wondering what in the world am i thinking when i showed the care and concern.

if i hadnt
then i wouldnt have mind if its said that i didnt care.
at least then it would be the truth.
harsh truth but well truth.

but now, it isnt:(

you think its easy to be me?
do you think its damn freaking easy to be sandwiched between the two of you
trying to mediate things
having to soothe one side
and then to persuade and talk logic to the other.
to become like its all my fault to start with
RIGHT, and since when its my problem.
its never mine.
right from the start.
even when you told me.

but it just have to be about people whom i care enough
people whom i call friends.

you think you are so hurt, then what about me?
who is hurt when you decided its alright to just vent it on me.
cos maybe i wasnt someone important
or like what i said, i wont hold it against you?
i would smile and let you take out your frustrations on me, hurting my feelings in the process.
yet, i still must worry for you.
for all the stupid things you might do.
to the point that i am going mad.

then at the end of the day. after everything died down,
you gave me the verdict that i didnt care
that left me wondering what in the fucking world am i doing all this while.
when i could simply dish out all the harsh words
and then leave you there in it.
but i didnt, did i?
i didnt leave you there on your own.

who was the one msging non stop
who was the one crying
who was the one making you promise all sorts of weird things.

then in the end yes, i am the bad person.
the one who didnt care.

then in that case, nobody is bad anymore.

now i am left wondering whats wrong with me.
i dislike myself for being so weak and soft.
for always able to forgive in just one split second
no matter how much hurt i felt before.
no matter how much bawling i had done before.
after i heard the word sorry or something related to it.


is there such thing as your friend having problem bt you chose not to step into it and help?

or maybe i am the weird one.
the one who cares too much.
the kpo.
maybe i should just mind my business
and be in my own world.

i dont even know how to react.
its just shock
then numb.
like how i was so numbed throughout.

then having to pretend everything is fine and cheery
and why do i have to do that.
i hate it.
real hate.


and it always happen when i am damn happy
when i am in high spirits.
cos my life seems so right.

are you my friend seriously?
i dont know it now.
friends dont say these kind of remarks right?