everyone thinks for themselves
i should do that too.
think for myself
in terms of work, money, studies.


they probably would think for themselves first.
afterall 人不为己天诛地灭。

lessons i learn
would change my way of thinkng
or behaving.

desperately looking for jobs now.
haha.

i am going to think for myself.
not going to keep on
thinking for others.

and i am not going to do any stupid things.
no more helping here and there.

its this weird feeling.


after
so many things,
i learn a lot.

life lessons,
and everything.

maybe not working for this two weeks or so
will make me realise a lot of things.

realise how exactly ehhh stupid? or ridiculous i am.

its like
no matter what happen
i always tell myself its okay.
that nah he or she or they dont mean it.
or if i continue holding on,
maybe some miracle will happen
and there will be happy outcomes.

well there are happy outcomes
there are miracles.
it is okay.

but there is no holding on and on and on
until i dont know when.

claud is right
sometimes being selfish is not well selfish, if you get what i mean
its a way of protecting myself.
as what vann says,
everyone is selfish.
no matter how selfless someone is, they will still think of themselves first.

i am never going to base what decision i am going to make on others anymore.
its time to make decisions based on what i want, what i like.

like what i want
in terms of work and studies


maybe
i will feel happier.
no more hiding everything myself.
( not that i want, but how to tell anyone, when most of my problems is about the people around me)
i dont know how to tell someone whats my problem with them.
i never knew or know how to do that.

they say in life,
ultimately, you have to make any decision based on yourself.
cos you are the one who have to pick up the pieces when you fall.
you are the one who have to stand up and walk again.

people around you can only do so much.
holding you
encouraging
but thats all.


i was narrow minded.
i viewed things in such a simple way
like if i did these,
something good will happen right?
if i think for others,
then they will too mah.
if i treat people with respect,
they will return with respect.
if they didnt treat me good,
i willl still treat them well then they will feel guilty right?

if i do something for the sake of others,
i wont be faulted if something goes wrong,
i wont be blamed,
then maybe the others will do something for me too if i need them?

or dont have to treat people harshly to make them see what is reality.
afterall i never can never will, nnever did. ( i need the dummy book for knowing when to be angry and be harsh)

even if i did want to be harsh
like telling people i dont care
telling people its their problem
telling them they can do whatever they want.
ultimately
i still ask them if they are okay
still worry for them.
still try to encourage them
still cheering them up.

i feel like a turtle.
carrying this heavy shell behind me
the one filled with damn a lot of things.
my problems, my own feelings that i neevr told anyone.

when i am sad,
i hide.
when i have problems
i hide.
when i am hurt,
i hide

when you all are sad,
i ask whats wrong.
when you all have problems,
i listen to them and gave you all advice.
when you all are hurt,
i cheered you all up, i make sure that the hurt lessens.

is a really nice feeling to know that hey i am of some use afterall( not to say that i think of myself as useless)
just that i am glad to be of any help
anything to make someone feel better.

( thats probably why i want to be a social counsellor)
at the end of my days, or my life,
i want to be glad that hey i make a difference in someone's life, be it small or big.
insignificant or significant.


i want to just do something i do best.


my parents
always seem to be amazed
at how much i grow.

from that really spoilt girl
a few years back
the one who whines about not having enough money
not having enough clothes
not having enough tv shows, yada yada
the one who always want her way
the one who always complain this and that.
the one who never fails to forget something( actually i still do forget sometimes lol.)

to someone like now.
you know,
this someone who rots at home,
instead of going out there spending a bomb everyday
this someone who finds a job desperately
instead of just waiting for money to come to my hands.
this someone
who dont want to study business
for the sake of other more meaningful things.

wahaha.
i feel like they got a shock
when i told them all about my thoughts.

not that same old spoilt pampered princess you know.


see what getting to know different people
hearing different stories
do wonders to you.


jogging feels like
heaven.
haha
thats the only way to describe.
like you know,
all those unhappy things
sad memories
frustrations
just flew right out of your head.

they say when you are upset,
you cry hard first
then go do something that releases endorphine( accuarate spelling, or not.)
like chocolate
or exercise.

they are right afterall:)



i want to do alot of things when i am alone these two weeks.
( its just well there are like many people around me, but i still feel alone cos not everyone understands how i feel. actually nobody does, but its okay now, to me.)
like finish reading
finding a new job.
jogging
cross stitching
cleaning up my room
tv-ing.
haha.


i want to find what i really like
what i really want to do.
based just on me.
not on others