you know
that feeling of total disappointment
and like WTH and WTF tgt.
and then that feeling of hey i am like bloody numb stupid naive gullible to believe in these.
or i think i make everything up from the start.

or i think i am just having a nightmare from the start
its a dream at first, but i guess it became a nightmare after like in april?
it lasted like bloody 3 months.
and i was wondering wtf am i thinking


actually i am more than hurt
there is just this feeling that says super ouch, you know.
and this ouch happened too many times.

i am beginning to believe this time, i hallucinate everything, like really
i really hallucinate all up.

actually i want to strangle that person.
like really.


yes i am pissed,
i am annoyed,
i am fuuuuuuuuuucking irritated
at myself.
i am angry at myself.
like why am i so dumb to believe
which brain am i using

vann was right
or nat was right
or everyone was right.
i really really dont have a brain.
i really never use my brain to think through before falling.
i always do or say or feel without thinking.
i always never use that brain.
so i cant really blame them for teasing or bullying me
i really never never think things through.
i take things like they are,
without thinking.

okay i feel bloody dumb.
you know what, the words cant express myself totally at all.
i dont know how to express my feelings fully.

you know, once bitten twice shy.
i think i dont seem to get that idea,
but i do now.
yes i do now.
throw all the optimistic ideas out the window
i dont even want to feel optimisitic

i feel kind of numbed.
its not that i feel the same way anymore,
but like hello? for all the hurt i had been put through,
its such a fantastic ending.
i never do this before
but FUCK YOU.














yes i had never done this before.
and i am extremely pleased to do this.

okay i am super hurt.
thanks for making me remember.

okay shoulders anyone?