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Friday, June 15, 2007
@ 11:42:00 PM

i think i am either mad or crazy
and i know the two words have the same meaning
well..

i hate to choose
i hate it
i hate it when i am pushed to one corner with only two choices
and you of all people, should know it
or maybe you dont.
afterall i suddenly realise that you dont know me at all
esp since u made me choose
and i hate that part
if i can continue to tell myself that everything is all right
i think i am living in self denial
and yet, i am i think.

while talking on the phone with vann just a few mins ago,
i realised we are so alike
there are many advices i gave her
many things i have told her
and yet i knew in my heart, if i am her, i wouldnt take my own advice
i wouldnt do what i preach to her
and its all cos of guilty consciousness
i dont dare to do this or that
i dont dare to even scold or shout at someone back
i dont even dare to tell my sis off when she irritates me
i still rmb when i was young, how i cried when i was BULLIED by my sis
the irony
i was the one crying
cos i knew i wouldnt been able to do anything

i tried to tell myself to be firm
i tried to tell myself or psycho myself to just do things the right way
if i have done it, if i have learned to say no, if i have learned to be firm, if i have learned to take up my own advice,
i wouldnt be stuck here in this situation.

do i really have to make a decision
i hate to make decisions regarding this
cos whatever things i said or made, i either end up regretting it or i just said something that wont make me feel bad
which normally is something that does not benefit me at all

now i know why vann and me are besties
haha it is oh so weird


the only bright side today is i studied three things
i still found it rather a wasted day
finished up UN lect 3 and half of 4
finished up nervous system
and gene cloning

now i am left with just one big heap to go
was irritated by my lack of motivation
downed many cups of coffee today
caffeine overload
and yet, i still can sleep while reading hist
that just explains how boring it is
and now i am not studying and widely awake
something is so wrong with me

what am i doing or have not done?

or maybe the question is what more can i do
or how dumb can i get

dont need to tell me, i know i am dumb and mad.
:(

i tried to say it out about how i feel
but it isnt just words can describe
or maybe i am just not good with words
i dont know how to blurt out all my probs over the phone
i dont know how to tell everything
i feel like i am throwing my whole burden on someone else's shoulder
and thats not right.

just now i suddenly felt alone
i was staring literally at the tv screen
without knowing whats shown.
just staring at it
and i felt that its just me
and me and me and me
guess i was emo

i am going down the guilty consciousness road everytime.

11:42PM

about
you think you know me.


XINYI (:
xnn, with a small amount of weirdness,
a big amount of clumsiness, always so blur,
a great loving for sleep, a major loving for shopping, chocolate, fishballs and strawberries
the always blind as a bat, deaf as idontknowwhat,
speak without thinking, do without thinking,
forever dumb and short, never uses her claws
but then again, it still makes her happy. (:
create &inspire.